I
I am both ashamed and proud to announce that I have been awarded the red face of the week award. The wife and I were in a bit of hurry getting ready to leave our hotel to get to St Leonard's church, Padiham; for John & Vicky's wedding. All was going well until I realised that although I had packed my shirt, tie, shoes, and jacket - my suit trousers were msising. The only trousers I had with me were a pair of pale cords which somehow didn't quite go with my dark suit jacket and black shoes...
I am both ashamed and proud to announce that I have been awarded the red face of the week award. The wife and I were in a bit of hurry getting ready to leave our hotel to get to St Leonard's church, Padiham; for John & Vicky's wedding. All was going well until I realised that although I had packed my shirt, tie, shoes, and jacket - my suit trousers were msising. The only trousers I had with me were a pair of pale cords which somehow didn't quite go with my dark suit jacket and black shoes...I couldn't just dress-down and sneak in at the back for the service either..... becuase I was preaching at it! Stress!!
Fortunately an Asda store 10 minutes from the hotel were able to furnish me with a cheap and cheerful pair of black trousers in a hurry. They did look a little perplexed when I ran from the changing room and jumped on the the checkout so that they could scan the trousers which I was wearing, though!
Gladly the farce ended before the proceedings got underway and the service went off smoothly. John and Vicky, had a great day celebrating with their friends and family. We enjoyed meeting all the weird and wonderful characters that make up these occasions, having our eardrums bleed in the loudest disco in the North, and are still trying to successfully imitate the Lancashire accent!
Dear thathideousman,
ReplyDeleteI can assure you that the demon who was responsible for the removal of tour trousers will be soundly punished- a full week in the Correction House for Incompetent Tempters will no doubt make him howl. He should of course have ensured that you could not get another pair easily (standard techniques we teach them are to (a) cause a blazing arguement between the trouserless & his partnet (b) fiddle with the electrics of the car to render the getting of a new pair of trousers difficult).
You relate the event as if it were remarkable and unusual- You can rest assured that we use it regularly on visiting ministers of religion when the opportunity arises, but most are too ashamed to confess to it. Many American 'Tele evangelists' are often only seen in 'waist- up' shots for this very reason.
You may argue that this is unfair as many such 'evangelists' do excellent work in diverting many simple 'sheep' away from a life which could do real damage to our father below, but such taunting makes the whole phenomenon much more fun if we can make fools of them while they are also making fools of the American public.
Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape
Screwtape,
ReplyDeleteLet me correct you on a couple of points.
Firstly, you may be an 'uncle' to that idiot wormwood; but an uncle of mine, let alone an 'affectionate' one you most certainly are not.
Secondly, while you may try and attribute the trousers debacle to the aforementioned idiot Wormwood- rather less diabolical persons were actually at work. In fact, rather than one of your minions stealing my trousers, their loss was entirely the result of my own stupidity.
I would go as far as to suggest that my own folly is far more effective in your ghastly cause than the aforementioned idiot who you have ascribed to my case.
I am nevertheless flattered by the undue attention you are giving me. The fact that your father below is that bothered about such an insignificance as myself, rather encourages me in the work of my father above.
yours with all due respect
thathidesousman
My dear boy,
ReplyDeleteI may not, indeed, be your uncle yet, but I can assure you that I have every hope of becoming very closely related to you in the future, and my affection will be as that of the fox for the rabbit- of that you can be sure.
It is amusing that you rather naively ascribe your near downfall to your own stupidity. Of course your stupidity is greater than you imagine, and we use it to our advatage often, but our subtlety is greater still. That, you see, is what makes are best tempters so good - they can lead people into error and human fools don't even notice.
I note that you are 'flattered' by our attention - how quaint. Believe me we wouldn't want your sort out of our sight for a moment. Hell only knows what damage you might do.
I remain,
You affectionate uncle,
Screwtape